One Bad Random
Sunday, March 06, 2005
The In-Laws are Stalking Me
Contrary to the way most of my posts about my family read, I actually get along with my parents for the most part--it's just that a lot of their "quirks" drive me up the wall (and they make good content). I really don't like my in-laws though. They're just not my type of people. They're selfish, petty, hypocritically religious, nosy, gossipy, have a lousy sense of humor, are emotionally needy, and are always freely dispensing worthless advice.
No offense if you happen to be religious, it's just not my cup of tea. I think religion should be like sticking everyday household objects up your ass--whatever you do on your own time is fine by me, just keep that shit to yourself (no pun intended). I happen to be agnostic by the way. I can't take the full know-it-all stance of pure atheism. I figure if I can't understand rugby or cricket, who am I to say that I know for certain there is no God? I just have a great amount of disdain for organized religions that seem to think they know better and I have a lot of problems with most of their doctrines. If I'm going to hell for lusting after women and masturbating, then so be it, but the devil's getting one hell of a facial when I get there.
Anyway, back to my wife's parents being asswipes. There are any number of little anecdotes that add up to why I don't like my in-laws. I think they definitely fucked up early on when my wife's Dad called me a bum behind my back (this was before we were married). That's it. Start throwing coal into the "fuck you" machine of the guy that's eventually going to marry your daughter. They say living well is the best revenge (I think I make double what he does not to mention I'm debt free) but I think treating people like shit is a close second. From there it's been downhill. I try not to miss any opportunity to point out what I hate about her parents to Lisa. I think she really appreciates that.
Lately they've been getting really annoying with their emotional neediness. Any time we visit, they seem to think we should spend the entire time sitting on their couch watching SG-1 reruns and gossiping about everyone in their small town (estimated population 5,000). When they come here, they typically don't tell us they're coming, stay with her brother the entire time, then try to pop in on us. They were here two weeks ago. We went to the obligatory dinner with them. Her dad then throws out the massive hint of, "Dessert at Lisa's place, I guess." We both ignored him. Then he goes further with, "I haven't seen your new TV yet." It's 65 inches and fucking spectacular, by the way. We continue to ignore him. "If I was ever invited..." Awwwww. Invited where? To the bum's place? Eat shit.
I sleep in on the weekends and I'm a very heavy sleeper. Well, when I get up today, Lisa has a voicemail and there's a message on the machine. Her parents have come to town today without telling us. They're outside wondering where the hell we are. Oh, by the way, Robert's car is unlocked. What the fuck? They come to my house unannounced expecting me to let them in so we can gossip about the people in their little town, find that I'm not home (actually asleep), and decide to see if my car is locked? I imagine they tried the door as well. They often hinted that they need a key to my house. Maybe that would be for emergencies like this.
For your enjoyment you can hear the actual message from the answering machine and the cell phone.
